I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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