I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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