I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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