The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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