i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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