i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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