I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
