dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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