you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
