a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
