Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize