I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She's the barista slut.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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