you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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