my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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