I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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