i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
