listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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