I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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