Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
