Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
