I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Of course I have a pirate flag
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
