why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
