Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
