Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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