1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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