my phone needs a breathalizer
she peed on how many people?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
