Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
