i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
