He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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