...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize