so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
