Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
