his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize