Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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