Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
