Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
