No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
