I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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