im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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