Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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