I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
