there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
