Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
