if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
