turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
