I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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