I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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