Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
