Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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