Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize