im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
