why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
