walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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