you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
