my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
