It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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