I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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