I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
