Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just pynch a tree in the face
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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