I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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