we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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