You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my being single is dangerous.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
