A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
how drunk are you?
Several
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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